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How To Cope With Family And Friends That Aren’t On The Same Journey As You
After you've been through a weekend or several-day workshop, there's something that happens for the next few weeks, or maybe longer. You're on a kind of high, having been immersed in an environment that was supportive of your goals. It's understandable that when you get back, your loved ones might look at you like, “Who's this?!?”
How do you cope with family and friends that you love that aren’t on the same journey as you? You're functioning at a different level that maybe some or most of the people around you don’t get anymore. You want them with you, but here's the trap … it’s easier not to grow and hope that you will do enough for everybody.
Don't be an unnecessary martyr. I nor anyone can tell you whether or not the people you care about the most are on the same journey as you. Only you know that. Just because people live together or are in the same family, though, does not mean they’re on the same journey, nor does it mean they need to be on the same journey. They’re on a train based on their life, their karma, their programming and their purpose.
You’ve got to get to the top yourself first. Then if anybody wants to switch trains and journeys on their own accord, you can be the model. If you try to do enough for all, you’re just going to get tired.
You may think, “Harv, I understand all of that, but what do I do? I love these people. I want them with me but they don’t get me anymore.” That’s life. I get it.
Here’s what you do:
1. Be with someone when you’re with them and not when you’re not with them. If one of these people is your husband or your mother, and you find that you have to be with them all of the time, you don’t have to be with them all of the time. Respect where they’re at and simply allow them to respect where you’re at. Don’t put them down for where they’re at. Don’t look for accolades. Don’t judge anything. This is their life at this point in time. It might change one day. You do what you need to do. Someone stopping you from doing what you need to do is a whole other question.
2. It's not about them, it's about you. People come up to me all of the time and say, “How do I get my wife to come? How do I get my husband to go?” I say, “If you have to get them to go, you’re in deep doo-doo, my friend.” You don’t get them to go. You hopefully ask them to go.
How? I've probably given this advice to thousands of people. I have probably had at least 1,000 come back to me and say, “When I asked them to come for me, they came.” I had at least that many people that said, “Originally when I asked them to come, because it’s going to be good for them, they wouldn’t come.”
The fact is that, wholehearted, we are all one, but in reality we’re not one. You’re separate people. People say, “Everyone’s got to be like me and I have to be like them. Otherwise, we can’t get along.” Wrong. Try it again.
Try this out, draw two circles, but overlap the circles so that there are three sections. There is a big section of you, a big section of them and a nice big section of you together.
This means I have a life, you have a life and we have a life. When we are together for the amount of time we’re together, we decide we are together, we commit to being together and we are being one. When we are not together, we are not. You have a life, I have a life, and we have a life.
It’s not about them. It’s about you. If you ask them to come to a seminar for you, it’s the truth. “Come for me. I want us to know the same things. I want us to be on the same wavelength so I can talk with you about this kind of stuff.”
Never try to pull someone up a rock or ladder who doesn’t want to be pulled up, because they’re going to do everything they can to pull you down.
This lesson came from a question in my Tough Love Mentoring Program.
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