Many people seem to be able to easily criticize others. This happens everyday, all the time. But don’t take criticisms personally. Instead, the next time you’re in a situation when someone is critiquing you, try to be compassionate instead.
Don’t Take Criticisms Personally for These Two Reasons
Just consider, that when you’re getting a critique pertaining to your job, your business, relationship, or whatever it is, listen up, because that person is giving you a critique for one of two reasons.
1. First, maybe this person really is a good teacher or highly skilled, smart, wise, or intelligent, and they’re critiquing you from the right place of genuine wisdom, caring and understanding. I’m no statistician, but my guess would be this is about 3 – 6% of the time for most people.
2. The second reason people criticize others is to feel good about themselves. They believe they are in a place of power and so they think, “I can do this to you, so I’ll do it. I’ll tell you what you’re doing wrong.”
Most critiques are about the other person, not about you. They’re projecting a fear, desire, or insecurity. You just happen to be the one catching it at that particular time.
Show Compassion to Those Critiquing You
So what do you do? It can be hard, but I promise that it is ultimately rewarding when you show some compassion.
You don’t have to take their criticism personally. Don’t take anything personally. What you’re listening to is somebody else’s stuff. If they’re in a good mood, guess what? They’re going to say good things about you. If they’re in a pissy mood, guess what? They’re going to say pissy things about you.
I teach thousands of people. When I’m on stage, sometimes I will go to the side, sign some books, and take some questions. Once in awhile, I’ll have somebody that will come up to me and say, “You sell too much. You promote too much. You speak too fast. I don’t like the fact that you don’t wear a jacket. You don’t honor us.”
When I first started in this business I would think, “Oh my god! They don’t like me. There’s something wrong with me. I’m never going to do this again. I hate this. I don’t want to go on stage anymore.”
Eventually, what I discovered was that what they’re actually saying is, “I feel unconfident, weak and low, so let me go up to the instructor and tell him what’s wrong with him. That’s going to make me feel better. I can darken his sky. I can put him down so I can bring myself up.”
Focus on Seeing Through the Criticisms
With a lot of the critiques that you get, you need to see right through that critique to the weakness in the other person. Don’t take criticisms personally. That doesn’t mean you have to say anything to them about that, though. Just see it and recognize it so it doesn’t bother you. This is their shit that’s going on here, not yours.
Listen to it, and if there’s some validity in what they’re saying–that you can do better–then just take it in stride and say, “Thank you for that”, and be on your way.
None of this is easy. Why? It’s because we’re creatures of habit, and our ego takes over.
But the secret to being compassionate to others is to start by being compassionate to yourself. It’s two sides of the same coin. Both help each other.
Of the two, which do you think the gurus of the world would tell you to practice first, compassion to others or compassion to yourself?
If there has to be one over the other in that moment–or you’re going to put your attention on one only–which should be first?
The answer is compassion to yourself. You need to have it before you can give it. You can’t give away what you don’t have.
As your exercise for this week I want you to do two things. First, practice being compassionate to yourself. Practice nurturing yourself. Practice being kind to yourself. Practice being your own best friend. Speak to yourself nicely. Don’t take criticisms personally.
Then, the next time you find yourself being moved by someone else’s criticism of you, practice compassionately thanking that person for their observation without anger or resentment. If you can go a step further, ask them why they feel the way they feel and take that opinion as emotionally detached as you can get. In others, give them an opportunity to recognize their own shit!
Leave a comment below and let me know how it goes. I want to hear from you!
For Your Freedom,
Very Helpful indeed
This is so strengthening for me, My husband talk about me to other people he criticize me openly and change the happy person i used to be. This helps me a lot, i can never thank you enough.
Thank you. You are very right; took me a bit of growing up to finally get this one: it’s their stuff. Otherwise I’d get all worked up about it. I’m clearing and doing on shadow work and self-compassion and it is so much easier to be detached with the external when the focus is internal growth and well-being.
Useful articles on this blog.
Oh this was a big one for me years ago for many reasons
Main one was I wasn’t thinking of myself just everyone else. I had to get past feeling guilty for caring for me..my time..self love. It still can challenge me when nasty attitudes cross my path but I keep in my head that it’s their issues not mine. I silently bless good will towards them. I’ve had my own bad days as well. I never thought of your position in the public..whoa!! That’s intense. I have to say this took my back to art class in college. Worst teacher but only one so I had to deal. His critiques of my work ugh. I w as not in this mindset then lol. I’m so grateful for your lesson on this today! This is one area I’ve worked on a lot in my life and feel it’s continual as I learn and grow. And what do I hear you saying….if you’re not growing you are dying! Much gratitude namaste!
Thank you, I needed this today.
Thank you!
I found this very helpful. I have for a long time that I need to take better care of myself and that I can do more in my interaction with all around me. I have received some practical tips here. I will use them.
I just had a very recent experience with this between my children. Both of them are entrepreneurs, in vastly different fields. The older one thinks he knows a lot about business and the younger one still acts like an employee even though she is trying to be a business woman. She was criticizing him about how he operates his business and then threw in some personal baggage, the older one blew up and it caused a tremendous amount of suffering for both of them in the end. It has fractured their brother-sister relationship on a very deep level. It got so out of control that the younger one (the daughter) called the police on the older one (the brother), they were both emotionally out of control. That created this big conflagration and my Son let his ego take over and things were said and done that make me feel very sad about the outcome of the situation.
From my perspective, neither of them know a lick about the subject matter (business), he knows enough to be dangerous to himself, I will still encourage each of them to pursuit their entrepreneurial dreams, in the hope that they will learn to listen better and seek advice from wiser and more experienced people (I have encouraged both of them to sign up for your daily blogs because I find them extremely helpful).
Perhaps had my Son taken time to realize that his Sister was projecting her fears about her business onto him, he may have reacted more compassionately. I will share this topic with him in the hope it will enable him to talk to his Sister more compassionately and they will be able to patch things up. Thank you for all that you do Harv – you are doing a great service!
Some months before I passed a comment on someones singing (which I did Not like, at All) as they were constantly exalting themselves and using their power to influence others close to them for their own idolization – it got to the point that I was in a phone conversation with someone and was overheard, in what I said eventually what I said that I did NOT like their voice got back to them, they confronted me about what I said but I did not want to cause a row so I avoided a direct answer. Anyway since then they have Not spoken to me, although I have to see them every week, felt very sad at their decision, not to talk to me – although I believe singing / music is a very personal choice – What I said that I do Not like their voice, is my personal taste – Therefore that person is Unforgiving, and holds a grudge against me for my tastes can not force someone to like what you like, So my point is that we have to be forgiving and understanding, obviously I have learnt some valuable lessons, is that its How you tell the TRUTH and that better in a softer manner, so as to Not offend. Even its its the Truth
Dear, T.Harv Eker, thank you for everything you teach. You changed my life forever.
Harv, thank you so much, it’s such a great reminder, love this article and agree with you.
Just please, would you share if you do the same or how you react if it’s not only criticism, but an attempt to attack? I know you said the warrior barely has to use his power as others know they shouldn’t mess up with him, but I am still in the process of getting to this level.
Bless you, Namaste
Veronika
It is that simple but hard to apply sometimes..
If I succeed in feeling this I have a very good day.
This is a good article.
Thanks for this.
I love it.
God bless you,
Frank
Thank you for this wise teaching.im usually hard with myself and my kids,now i will learn to be more compassionate with myself so i can be with ohers