What do you do when your partner thinks about money differently than you and doesn’t support your way of handling it?
I get asked this a lot, so if this has ever been an issue for you, you’re not alone.
Actually, disagreeing about money is one of the top causes of relationship breakups. It’s sad but true.
The answer to this question comes down to your “money blueprint”, and in my book, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, I talk a LOT about your blueprint – your subconscious beliefs around money.
Your money blueprint single-handedly determines your financial life, because your thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to actions, which lead to your results. Yes or yes?
Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Results
The question then becomes, “Why do you think the way you do about money?”
The answer is conditioning. You were taught how to think about money. You didn’t come out of the womb with money beliefs. You learned them.
So how are we conditioned around money, success, and wealth?
- Verbal programming – what we’ve heard,
- Modeling – what we’ve seen,
- And specific incidences and experiences we’ve had.
No money blueprint is true or false or right or wrong. It’s just how you’ve been programmed.
Some people are savers. Others are spenders. It’s not a good thing or a bad thing unless it’s overdone.
You do want to spend some of your money and enjoy it. And you do want to invest it. And you do want to save.
For everything, the keyword is BALANCE. And one of the great things about having a partner is that you can balance each other out in how you handle money, so neither of you go to extremes.
But that’s only if you can listen to each other and get on the same page.
How Money Blueprints Cause Problems For Couples
The problem is that in couples, one person has money blueprint X, and the other has blueprint Y. Again, neither is right or wrong. They’re just different.
But most people don’t recognize this. They say, “You’re an idiot. You don’t know how to handle money. We’re gonna be broke if you do what you’re doing. This is the way we should do it.”
It’s always, “My way, my way, my way.”
This is why relationships end. They’re trying to protect their way because they believe it’s right.
My ex-wife is a wonderful person. She had a money blueprint that said, “Money is to be utilized and enjoyed. Spend it while you can. Enjoy every second of it. Spend it on things. Spend it on people. Spend it on gifts. Go for it!”
There were never any thoughts about investing for the future in her mind, and that’s not right or wrong. It’s just the way that she learned. She was actually rebelling against her parents because they were extreme savers.
Me, on the other hand, all I wanted was financial freedom – having all the money we needed and not having to work if I didn’t want to.
When she was spending our money, to me, she wasn’t spending our money. She was spending my freedom. She was making it so that I would have to work for the rest of my life. That’s all I saw.
And on her end, she was looking at me like, “You’re so stingy. You just want to invest and save… and you don’t care about enjoying life!”
And this is what many, many couples do. So what’s the solution?
How To Get On The Same Page About Money With Your Partner
In the Millionaire Mind Intensive training program, I teach that you must sit down with your partner and have a respectful conversation. Be curious, listen, and find common ground. Here’s my 3-step process for how to partner with your partner around money.
1. Talk With Your Partner About Your Money Blueprints
Step one is to sit down with the person and work to understand both of your money blueprints, without judging either of them.
Agree that both blueprints came from other people and situations. Find out where they came from so you can understand each other’s fears and motivations.
Ask questions like:
- What did you hear about money and wealth from your parents when you were young?
- What did you see when it came to money and wealth?
- What did you experience around money and wealth?
You might say, “You seem to believe in saving. Where did you get that from? I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. It’s a very good thing when in balance, but where did you learn it?”
Then your partner could share, “That’s from my mom. My dad spent every cent we had. Thank God my mom held on to a little bit of money. She kept saving and saving, and that’s what got us through college. If it had been up to my dad, he would’ve spent it all.”
This person’s blueprint has been telling them, “Saving money is going to save us. Otherwise, we’re going to spend it all, and we’re never going to have it.”
Having this kind of conversation helps you understand each other, AND it helps you both feel understood. This builds trust, so you can then work on finding common ground.
2. Agree On Your Money Goals
The next step is to find that common ground by seeking a compromise solution that works for both of your money blueprints.
Ask yourselves, “What do we want together? What is our goal together here?”
If I sat down with my ex-wife and said, “What is our goal here?” I’d say, “My goal is to have financial freedom.” She’d say, “My goal is to have fun and enjoy our life.”
I’d say, “Listen, I want to enjoy our life too. Would you like to one day be financially free and not have to work all the time?”
She’d say, “Of course!”
I’d say, “Great, so here’s our common ground. I want to be free and enjoy our life. You want to be free and enjoy our life. Nice. We both want the same things here.”
Most of the time when you have a different blueprint than the other person, you still want the same thing in the end.
It’s pretty obvious. Nobody wants to be a hermit and live under an umbrella for the rest of their lives. They want to enjoy their lives. They just don’t understand how to do it.
It’s all about balance and integrating each of your blueprints. So you say, “Here’s our goal. We both want the same thing.”
Once you establish your goals, the question becomes, “How do we work things out so that we save some money and spend some money, and do it in agreement? How can we balance our money and each get what we think is important?”
3. Have A System For Managing Money
This is where having a great money management system becomes essential, so you both know how you’re handling things.
If you don’t manage your money, I guarantee your money will manage you, and you won’t ever be free or comfortable. That’s just the way it is.
The method I teach is called the JARS money management system. It’s very simple, which is a big part of why it’s so effective.
It creates the opportunity to have a perfect balance in all worlds – to spend money, have fun, save, AND eventually be financially free. And that’s what most of us want. Yes or yes?
Learn this system or whatever system you prefer, but start agreeing on your goals and how you’re going to manage your money to get there.
And when you get off track, which happens sometimes, you can go back to the agreement and say, “Hey honey, I really feel uncomfortable. I’m afraid that… ” Use that word – afraid. It brings out empathy. Open a new conversation to get back on the same page.
Remember, we all have a different money blueprint, and we all think ours is right. So to recap, in order to get on the same page with your partner, you have to:
- Give them the space to share what’s important to them and how they see things.
- Then agree on your goal.
- And finally, create a system to achieve it.
There’s no doubt that these 3 steps above will help you both get ahead financially. But there’s a lot more to it if you want to reach total financial freedom.
Freedom means never having to worry about money and never having to work if you don’t want to. It means always having enough to cover not only your basic needs but also living a great lifestyle where you don’t have to skimp on the pleasures of life.
And financial freedom doesn’t happen by accident – to get there, you need a plan.
But don’t worry, I’m here to help!
I’ve developed a complete system for gaining true financial freedom so you can eliminate money problems and enjoy life at a whole new level. And I want to share it with you! Good or good?
To discover this system for yourself, join me for my FREE web class,
I love teaching this class because it really changes lives.
There are enough problems that can come up in life without having to worry about money, so let’s get this part of your life working really well.
I look forward to helping you take control of your financial future.
What’s your money blueprint? Where do you believe you got it from? Leave a comment and let us know!
For Your Freedom,