How To Survive In A Relationship With Two Completely Different Money Blueprints
How do you manage a relationship when your partner is not looking for financial freedom and you are, and they are considered the spender in the relationship?
First of all, understand that you don’t have an issue with your partner. You have an issue with your partner’s money blueprint not matching your blueprint.
I had the same situation myself with my ex-wife at the time. She is one of the most amazing people on this planet. You couldn’t have a nicer heart or be a better mother.
One problem was that my meaning for money came from growing up with parents saving every dollar that they possibly could and trying to become free so that they wouldn’t be slaves to anybody else, and they wouldn’t have anybody else ever be able to control them. For me money meant freedom.
My wife’s parents owned a little convenience store, like a 7-11 type of thing. They sold candies, cigarettes, bread and that type of thing, and it was actually very successful. For her, all she thought about was the candies. Whenever she came into the store, her father would give her candies, and all of her friends would have to buy her candies for a penny or two. Money meant pleasure for her.
Somehow in her blueprint, money meant that when you have it you should spend it. Her parents didn’t teach her about financial freedom and things like that.
So when we got into a relationship, for me spending money meant you’re spending my freedom. Her money-meaning was that if you don’t spend the money, or if you try to save the money, it was taking away her pleasure.
The bottom line is this: know that you and your partner have different blueprints for money. It’s not just the partner in your relationship, but partners in every relationship you’re in such as your kids, your business… everything. Your meanings are different. Your blueprints don’t match. You are arguing with their blueprint, not with them.
First, take the upset away from them, and understand that you’re only looking at a difference of opinion and conditioning, or domestication, and how you were brought up. You can’t fault your partner for being a spender because that’s how they were brought up.
Next, you sit down with them, but not when you’re upset. Over a nice dinner when you’ve been getting along beautifully you say, “I’d love to talk with you about something in our relationship that I’d love to be able to take to the next level. Are you willing? ” And you start the conversation from there.
It’s not your fault, and it’s not their fault. The problem is fear. Ask your partner if they can help you with it, and vice versa. Ask them what they think you can do, or what you can do together. Is there a way to balance the need for freedom and the need for spending and pleasure?
My resolution was, “Instead of taking all of the money and spending it, or taking all of the money and throwing it into an investment, why don’t we piece it off? Every month, you take this much money, and go have a great time with it. I’ll take this much money, and we’ll put it into our Freedom Account, and the rest we’ll manage.” Though we had other issues outside of money, this approach saved us both a lot of grief at least when it came to money.
Unfortunately, statistics reveal that lots of relationships get into trouble over money. That doesn’t have to be the case. Understand how money blueprints work, and give your relationship the chance it deserves so both partners and your family can grow, learn, and be happier!
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For Your Freedom,
I find it hard to set success indicators because I am totally unmotivated by money. I’ve had periods of easy following money and tough times but neither time has brought me joy or unhappiness. What other success indicators could I use?
Money is really not anyone’s motivator. It’s the “what” that we want to accomplish that motivates us but we need money to do it. Success to me is defined by me achieving my “what” not how much money I actually earn. I would encourage you to define your success by the “what” and then calculate how much money you need to achieve that “what” and then devise a plan acquiring the money to achieve and measure your success by every milestone your reach in your plan that gets you closer to achieving your “what.” Money is not really your focus or motivator by approaching it this way, is it?
Thank you Harv, great post. I have just started a relationship and this can really help me out.
Hola, soy de la ciudad de Guadalajara Jalisco, México y quiero saber como puedo tomar los talleres.me pueden auxiliar. Gracias
Hola!!los talleres a que te refieres a pertenecer al club de ricos del que habla en el articulo?arriba en el cuadrado amarillo tienes unas letras en azul que te indican el enlace para que te apuntes.Pero es de pago, al principio un euro y después 39 al mes si estas entre los 1000 primeros sino 199,así también soy rica yo:)un saludo
Interesting insight, thanks for sharing. What of differing opinions about what are assets and what are liabilities?
Thank you so much for the lesson.I think money has put a strain on my relationship with my partner. Will use the tips provided.
My now ex-husband and I were both conservative in our approaches to money. He however started hoarding money before I ever met him, having 6 paychecks in his pocket the day we met. Unfortunately he continued to do this for 20+ years without my knowledge to the tune of up to $350,000 He kept accusing me of having poor money management skills, but I managed our debts, raise kids with him withholding 50% of income from his small business as a plumber. Strange how they accuse others of what they are really doing themselves. I think it boils down to the difference between thinking there is plenty vs. scarcity mindset. Thanks for the article.
Dear friends,
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Sincerely,
Aline
skype: aline.aguiar.dias
Thanks
I am married to a person who is a gambler. He grew up in the environment of hustlers and gets great pleasure from playing games and betting on games. I have my own job and what I do is define what bills he is responsible for and what bills I will pay. I sit down with him each month and write out the bills, he knows what he has left and that I will not bail him out of financial mishaps due to his gambling.
I love spending money! 🙂 I love getting it even more (or maybe same). Fortunately, my husband only has problem with me spending money when I spend like ALL of it 🙂 So, we get along. He actually loves to buy me things that I like.