The Four Nicest Words

Jumping Over a Challenge to Achieve Success

When you’re my age and you bring up entertainers who have been doing their thing for decades, you run the risk of dating yourself. But I think it’s safe to say even younger people are familiar with the late comedian George Carlin. He and a Pacifica radio station single-handedly changed Federal Communication Commission policies by letting us know what the seven filthiest words are in the English language.

There is no beating the comic genius of Carlin, but I can take a different track and offer some of the best words we can use to communicate powerfully and effectively, especially when you’re trying to influence someone positively.

These are things that we sort of already know intuitively: when engaging in conversation with friends or strangers alike, you want them to feel like you know where they’re coming from, even if you disagree with them. You want them to feel understood.

Hence, two of the four best words we can use when communicating: I understand.

If you can get into the habit of responding to every communication with the first two words being ‘I understand,’ generally you will disarm 80% of any negative or resistant energy right there and then. Even if you don’t understand, you say, “Can you clarify that for me just a little bit more?” It’s all about listening, yes? Make them feel heard and understood. Once you’re past that stage, work on the convincing part next.

What else have we instinctively learned about what to say? Well, what don’t you want to say after you’ve repeated back what the other person said yet you don’t agree with it? The dreaded ‘but.’ What usually happens when you say, “Yeah, I see what you’re saying, but …” You know. The other person gets that impatient or irritated look, like you just negated everything they were talking about even though you almost had them convinced that you knew where they were coming from.

The answer is as simple as replacing ‘but’ with ‘and.’ “Yeah, I hear what you’re saying, and here’s something else I was thinking about in addition to that.” It’s as easy as that.

Now what’s that last ‘nice’ word? It’s something that helps us identify with others while still also distinguishing our point of view, without making the other person feel like they’re being distinguished away from you. So instead of saying, “You have a ways to go,” you say ‘we.’

“You know, sometimes we as people have a tendency to make snap judgments even though we don’t have all the facts just yet.” That’s a nice way of telling someone they’re being short-sighted or pig-headed without making them feel bad about it. That’s a great tool in leadership or for anyone who displays openness to being educated.

The beauty of this exercise is that you don’t have to take mine or anyone’s word for it. Experiment with these four words consciously for the next week or so. Notice any differences in how people in your life react to you? Are you able to bring your perspective to others more effectively, or outright convince other people toward your point of view? Can’t wait to hear how it goes for you!