Don’t Feel Guilt For Getting What You Want

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I wanted to follow up on a couple of points I made in my last blog about negotiating, in particular being honest while waiting for the other person to state their offer first.

It may seem a little counter intuitive to be honest, to not be the one to put the cards on the table first, yet still get what you want. Some people believe being successful in a negotiation means being ruthless, dishonest, or otherwise not very nice. It also seems more intuitive to state upfront what it is you want instead of letting that opportunity develop (or the opposite—some people are deathly afraid to say what they want); and we have all had times where we trusted someone with our honesty and were taken advantage of.

So a lot of people become cynical or untrusting of themselves and others, and not get what they really want—all while staying in a place of frustration.

In business, in love, and in life, there are rules that govern how people respond to us, hence the kind of connections, relationships, resources, happiness, success, and wealth you can attract and build upon.   Here are the rules:

(1)   Create Affinity. Affinity generates closeness and likeability. People will usually give much more leeway to someone they like, therefore creating room for possibilities of getting what you want from them. You create affinity by focusing on what you have in common. Directly or indirectly, saying “I’m like you” is another way of saying “I like you.”

(2)   Use affirming statements. When negotiating, use affirming statements like “I understand,” “I see your point,” or “I agree with that.” That doesn’t mean you have to agree with every single thing the person is saying. If you do disagree, though, saying “but” negates everything the other person just said, even if your point is 100% true. Saying, “I see your point of view, and I was thinking …” lets the other person know that they were heard and understood, and opens a door for you to say your piece at the same time (Sounds like it makes sense, yes? You’d be amazed, though, how easy it is to “but” another person to death!).

 

(3)   Respect Yourself. When you show need for approval or you want something too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. That’s why it’s crucial to know what you want and not have any fear about expressing it at the appropriate time. The less fear you have, the less anxious you’ll come off, the more confident you become, and the other person is almost forced to reckon with your interests out of respect that you show for yourself.

You’re not only creating more affinity by giving them the opportunity to express themselves first, but you’re also strategically setting yourself up in a position of power, more able to counter their counters until the two of you can reach an amicable solution.

That’s why it’s true that not respecting yourself means not fully respecting others either. The best way is to connect your truth with their truth courageously yet thoughtfully. You give yourself that much more of an opportunity to get what you want while being honest with yourself and others.

Using these basics, there’s little reason to feel bad about getting what you want in any situation. Awareness of what makes relationships tick just makes good, honest, nicer people that much more exposed to love, wealth, success and fulfillment.