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I’ve often heard a lot of my students who have achieved financial success tell me they feel under constant pressure to help needy relatives and their requests for monetary support. They keep coming one on top of the other. How can people say no without feeling guilty about it?

No and feeling guilty are two separate things. They don’t have to go together.

Why feel it’s even necessary for you to be the one handing out all this money, especially when you can’t or you don’t want to do it?

Feeling compassion for people is always a good thing, but people asking you for help tests that compassion because how you respond teaches people how to treat you. Nobody knows how to treat you until you teach them how to do it.

So if you’re one of those folks that taught people in your life that they should come to you for money, well, now you have to un-teach them. You have to retrain them.

You said yes because you want to be a nice guy or nice gal. You want approval, and you want everybody to like you. Great. If you want to do it, then do it.

But let’s be able to say no, also. And let’s not feel guilty about it. How do you do that? You have to practice.

First of all, you’ve heard the saying, “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.” Do you think you’re doing these people any favors by giving them money all the time? No.

Give handouts and train people to be dependent, and they can’t stand up on their own two feet. What if one day they actually have to?

How do you say no without feeling guilty? You need to learn how to say no with two things. One is compassion, and the other is kindness. Kindness is compassion in action.

If someone comes and asks you for something: your time, your money or whatever, you don’t say, “No, you jerk, go away.” That’s not a good thing to say because the energy is wrong and the words are wrong. You say it nicely. You have to practice.

You might start with one time saying, “Dear friend, I love you with all my heart. I know I’ve been able to help you before,” or “I know that you would like some help. I would love to be able to help you. However, right now that will not be possible. I apologize, but it’s not going to work. I wish you the best.”

Compassion comes from the heart and expresses itself with language that is unambiguous, firm kindness for both yourself and the person who might be crossing your boundaries.

Don’t give them any excuses like, “I have to buy a car.” Just say, “It’s not possible.” If they start pressuring you as to what you need you say, “That’s something that I’ll decide. It’s up to me to be able to share all that with you, but I’m not able to do this right now.” Don’t be pressed.

You practice with the easiest person, the person you know could possibly handle things themselves. Then you practice with more.

Here’s the big thing: If you think that feeling guilty and saying no have to go together, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go out and ask other people for money for yourself.

Go ahead. Just go on the street and ask people for money, or go to other relatives and ask them for money. Here’s what you’re going to hear. “What? No. Sorry.”

Then you say, “Wait. If they can do it, I can do it, too!”

That’s how you get used to it. You hear other people say no. Watch what happens.

Maybe one will say yes. Most will say no. Then you get good at saying no. It’s not that hard. It’s just a habit. Separate no from feeling guilty.

Tell us what you think. Have you had the experience of money coming between you, friends, family, or business partners? What lessons did you learn from the experience? What advice would you give? Share your stories. We want to hear from you!

 
For Your Freedom,

Let’s say you’re a juror in a courtroom, and you know the person on trial is absolutely guilty. All of the evidence points to them. The jury’s just about to break for deliberations, but at the last second, the defendant’s lawyer comes in and says, “Everybody wait. Before you go, I have one more witness.”

That witness comes up and says, “I’m sorry. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I did it. No, they didn’t force me to confess. Here’s how I did it and framed this poor person on the bench right now. I did it. I feel terrible, but now I finally have to own up to it.”

As a juror, do you find the first person guilty? Of course not, because you now have some new evidence. You change your belief about the person on trial.

Guess what? The same goes for us. You can change your belief about yourself and your life.

One belief that I see over and over again among many of my students is the belief that, “I’m not a big deal.” Somebody at some point in their lives ran them down, made them feel less than worthy, or eroded their esteem in ways that happen on purpose and accidentally.

I actually saw this sign in a spiritual store recently that said, “I have to admit, I’m kind of a big deal.” It is not some selfish, egotistical, narcissistic thing to make yourself relevant in this universe’s plans. It’s not saying be obnoxious and overbearing toward other people. It’s saying don’t sell yourself short.

Isn’t your life that important? Aren’t you important to anyone? If not, at least be important to you. At least be a model so that you can help other people that are in your position. Change your story about yourself. Offer up some new supporting evidence.

It’s much easier to say “Change your story” than “Change your life.”

I always highly recommend getting coaching from others because your coach will support you. Your coach will help you with the “It’s not a big deal” syndrome.

You write your life and say, “I’m not worth it.” Fine, you’re not worth it. You wrote that. You created it. You think it, so it’s true. Whatever you think is actuary.

“I’ll be worthy if I have $1 million in the bank, or if I have the two most perfect children in the world. I’ll be worthy if I have a husband or wife who loves me. I’ll be worthy if I have a brand new car or if my job has status.”

That’s all BS. None of that is going to make you worthy because if you say you’re worthy, you are. If you say you’re not worthy, you’re not. That’s the only thing that makes you worthy.

I’m worthy! “Cool! What did you have to do for it?”

Nothing. I just had to be born and breathe. “You can’t just do that! ”

Where are the rules that say I can’t do that? “It’s in the rule book: you can’t say you’re worthy and be worthy!”

Really? Show me where it says that?!

Change the conversation with yourself. You set the rules.

Who is the referee in your life? You are. Who’s the judge? You are. Who’s the timekeeper in the game of your life? You are. Who’s the player? You are.

You’re everything. How could you lose this game? There’s nobody else playing but you!

Repeat that…There’s nobody else playing but you! Let that marinate a bit and really soak it in.

Make up a different story if you need to feel and be worthy, to be a big deal that gets big deals done! You’re going to make up a story one way or the other. You might as well make up one that says that you’re worthy!

True or true?

Tell us what you think! What are some of the ways in which we let ourselves believe that we’re not worthy of what we really want in life? Do any of your stories stem from past experiences? Share your stories; we want to hear from you!

 
For Your Freedom,

A lot of people have the shiny-object syndrome. They jump from whatever looks cool and interesting at the moment to whatever comes along next, without really seeing the first thing through.

I had the same problem for 12 years, and think that half of the people reading this, if not more, have this same problem, but what can you do about it?

Two words focus and commitment.

I spent 12 years doing whatever I could possibly do to be successful. I had 14 different jobs and 12 different businesses in 12 years. Do you think that’s focused? No. What was my result? Broke. Make a little. Broke. Make a lot. Broke.

I got so damn sick of being broke and jumping from one opportunity to the next that I realized I wasn’t following through 100% because the next thing was coming into view, and I thought that the next thing was going to be faster, smarter, better. Why should I stick with this thing that’s really hard?

It was habitual. Why did I choose the thing that was really hard? It wasn’t hard when I chose it. It was beautiful, but then I made it hard. The shiny object is shiny until you get there. Then it becomes dull and ugly.

What I learned is a huge lesson. It’s not the outside circumstances or vehicle that’s going to make or break you. I spent 12 years looking for the right vehicle. Do you know what I found out? There’s no right vehicle. There’s only the right you within the vehicle that you love.

When I was going through that continuous cycle of being broke, one of my close friends on the West Coast called me up and said, “You have to get into this business. I’m killing it. You’ve been looking for a business; this is the one to get into.”

I said, “Oh my god. Thanks for letting me know.” My dream was coming true. Someone I know is actually killing it, and he’s making $20,000 to $30,000 a week. I’m thinking it’s going to be amazing.

Six months later, I was broke again, and he was already a millionaire and doing even better. I said, “How on earth could you be doing so great and I’m doing so bad?”

I finally looked in the mirror and said, “Do you know what? It’s not the business. It’s me.”

I felt like crying. I felt like I stabbed myself in the heart. That’s how I started putting two and two together and working on me. I said, “If I work on me and just do something I really enjoy, let me try that.” I then became a millionaire in two and a half years after that. I hope you relate to this yourself someday.

I committed to staying focused on one thing until I got rich. You don’t have to do that, but I say this: Commit to something for a minimum of three years. Why three years? That’s how long it takes to systemize something so it can work without you.

Don’t even think of leaving it. It’s like the Army. You’re in for three years, period. There’s no going away. You commit to it.

I study Zen and Buddhist stuff a lot. It’s not that I’m Buddhist, but I think their philosophy is helpful. There’s a saying … “Thinking about a better tomorrow is what prevents me from having a better today.”

Here’s the mantra for you:

“Thinking about having a better business is what prevents me from succeeding in this business.”

“Thinking about a better job is what prevents me from succeeding in this job.”

Why is that? It’s because you’re taking your mind off of the present moment. The only time you can be happy and successful is right now. You can’t be successful tomorrow because it doesn’t exist. You can’t be successful in the past because that’s gone. Your shiny object is blinding you and taking your mind off of what is necessary to get done today.

You gain focus by experimenting. You say, “I’m going to do an experiment on myself. I’m going to commit to something for three years, and I’m not getting off of it. Even if I go broke, I’m not getting off of it.”

I’ll tell you what. You won’t go broke. You’ll do well because you’ll focus on it. There won’t be any thought about getting off of the expressway.

This was one of my biggest lessons. It changed my life. I hope the same happens for you.

Tell us what you think. Give us your stories of lessons in focus and commitment, and what that meant to your success or challenges that you learned from.

 
For Your Freedom,

It’s actually not easy starting and running a business from home. Your living space stops being a place for retreat and rejuvenation and becomes a work zone. You can become attached to your business 24/7. It can feel like you’ve lost control.

It changes how you relate to your loved ones you live with, how you inhabit your very way of being in your own home. It can feel like things are unbalanced.

We do this to ourselves. It’s because we have poor habits. Most of us have never learned how to work from home, away from an office, no one looking over your shoulders. A lot of us just aren’t good at it.

I’ve gotten better at it, but then again I don’t worry about it so much because I’m semi-retired. When I had to write a course, though, I thought, “Oh my god!” but I had to do it because there were 10,000 people waiting for me. I didn’t have a choice. You just have to learn to be productive.

Here are 2 ways I found to be extremely effective for me, see if they work for you as well:

1. Set aside a space for work that nobody else can come into. No kids, no dogs, no TV, no nothing. It’s just a little space for you to work. This will do wonders for you. It will create a trigger for you that will help you turn on and off “work-mode.”

2. Set aside two times for high-efficiency or high-productivity work, and time for play. Maybe it’s one half-hour a day. Out of eight or 10 hours, we’re only going to set aside half an hour a day for high productivity work and play each.

“But Harv, what if I can do more?” Then do more, duh! But for at least 30 minutes a day, nobody can walk in. It’s a do-not-disturb sign. You tell your family and whoever else to not call between 9:30 and 10:00 a.m. because that’s your high-productivity 30 minutes. If you can do an hour, then do an hour, but start with 30 minutes.

Don’t do all of those other crappo emails and other stuff. Do the things that are necessary for you to make money. That means add value to people. Answering email doesn’t add value to a lot of people. It wastes a lot of time. People say, “But I have to.” Yes, you do, but not during your productivity time. That’s not productive.

“But I have to answer business stuff.” No, you don’t. It doesn’t make you money. If you’re not selling something, marketing something or creating something, you’re not making money. Everything else is superfluous to making money.

Sell, market or create. Those are the only things that make you money. Only when you sell your creation do you actually make it. Everything else you do is crapperolla around making money. Spend 30 minutes or an hour, or more, per day just making money.

The other time you set aside is for play. You have 30 minutes a day. It’s 30 minutes more than you’ve got now if you’re like most people married to their business at home.

“What am I supposed to do for 30 minutes?” Whatever you want. Just make sure you’re not working, dealing with work or dealing with family. You’re just having You time.

You could read. You could swim. Walk. Go outside and just breathe. You’re going to love it.

If you give yourself 30 minutes of productive work and 30 minutes of play or free time, your productivity for the rest of the day will go up anyway.

You will feel so good about your life and yourself just by taking half an hour for yourself every day for intense work and play. If you can’t do that, then what do you deserve?

Tell us what you think. For you business or aspiring business owners working from home, does any of this ring true for you? Even if you’re not a business owner but just for you Type A personality folks, how productive do you actually feel in spite of how much energy you put into your work? Do you allow yourself time for play every day? Whatever your situation, share your experiences with us!

 
For Your Freedom,

When you’re not doing as well as you want to be doing financially, it’s not the lack of money that’s the problem.

A lack of money is merely a symptom of what’s going on underneath. Being broke is just the result. What’s the root cause?

It’s not the universe’s cruelty. It’s not the economy. It’s not your parents who just didn’t understand, or anyone holding you back.

It’s you. This isn’t about pointing fingers to say how bad you are, or that it’s your fault that you’re in the situation you’re in. It’s not about you being too lazy, or too insufficient, or not enough in any way, shape or form. But it is you who is responsible for working with whatever it is you have to work with to get out of being in the position you’re in.

The only way to permanently change your outer world is to first change your inner world.

Each of us has a blueprint engrained in our subconscious mind for how much we accommodate into our lives. That goes for money, love, friendship, any and all forms of happiness. We do have a say in all of that, like adjusting our own inner thermostat.

It is this blueprint, more than anything else that will determine your financial life.

You can be the best businessperson, negotiator, marketer, salesperson, the best communicator or the best at your job. You can know everything about real estate or stocks.

You can be the best in the world at networking, but if your inner money blueprint is not preset for a high level of success, you will never amass a large amount of money. If by chance you do, you will most likely end up losing it.

So what is your current money thermostat set for? How would you know for sure?

It’s simple. Look at your income.

If you want to create real success, it’s imperative that you believe you are at the steering wheel of your life. You have to believe that you are the one that creates your success, mediocrity and any struggle that you’ve got. You act consciously or unconsciously.

Instead of taking full responsibility for their lot in life, most people play the role of the victim. You can always tell a victim because they leave three indelible clues: blame, maim, and complain.

They blame their type of business, the market, the city, the taxes, the government, their employer or employees, their partner, or that dumb shipping group. Everybody else is to blame. It’s always something or someone else.

Or they cut off their own potential by saying something like, “Money’s not really important.” Let me ask you a question. If you said that your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend wasn’t really important, would they be around for very long? I don’t think so.

If money is not important to you, there’s one thing that we know about you. You don’t have hardly any of it. It’s very simple. Anything that you’ve got has to be important to you, yes or yes? Yet people maim themselves by disowning the importance of what it is that will lead toward greater happiness–often maiming other people in the process along the way because, hey, why not share the un-love?

Then there are the complainers. Complaining is the absolutely worst possible thing you can do for your health or wealth.

What you focus on expands.

When you’re complaining, what are you focusing on? What’s right or what’s wrong with your life? Since what you focus on you get more of, you’re going to get more of what’s wrong with your life. When you’re complaining, you’re actually attracting crap into your life. You become a giant crap-magnet.

I have some homework for you: No blaming, maiming, or complaining for seven full days. It has to be seven full days because you might still have some residual crap coming to you from before. Crap doesn’t travel at the speed of light. It travels at the speed of crap, and it’s really slow, so it could take a while to clear out.

I want you to live by the motto that says, “If it is to be, it is up to me.”

Repeat your motto aloud: “If it is to be, it is up to me.”

Tell us what you think. We’re only human, and we’ve all had our bouts of blaming, complaining, or playing the victim. Tell us what you’ve learned in your journey toward living your highest potential. We want to hear from you!

 
For Your Freedom,